Reframing the Critical Parent
Today I found myself reflecting on Dr. K’s idea of the “drill sergeant” approach — the voice that is harsh, relentless, and unwilling to let me fail.
At first glance, this inner critic has always felt punishing. It points out what I’m not doing, where I’m falling short, and it can push me into shame. But I’m beginning to wonder if there’s another way to hold it: maybe it never actually gives up on me. Maybe its intensity comes from a deep desire for me to grow, to not stagnate, to keep moving.
Therapy Styles
I’ve experienced a lot of validation in therapy, which has been helpful. But there’s a part of me that wonders if endless discussion of feelings eventually runs out of usefulness. Sometimes I crave a more active push:
- Not just why do I feel this way?
- But what small steps could shift the conditions that make me feel this way?
It’s not about dismissing emotions. It’s about balancing being seen with being challenged.
The Tension
Here’s where it gets tricky:
- With ADHD and low energy, I can’t always take the action I imagine.
- When the drill sergeant demands too much, I hit shame instead of progress.
- Yet when I only validate my feelings, I can stall out and feel stuck.
It’s not one or the other — it’s a dance between them.
Reframe
What if the “critical parent” is really a wise coach?
- Less about shouting “You’re failing!”
- More about affirming: “I see what you’re capable of, let’s stretch toward it.”
That frame allows me to hold both sides: compassion and challenge.
Prompt to Myself
If my drill sergeant was actually speaking from love, what would it say to me today?
“I know you’re tired, and that’s okay. But I also know you can do one small thing that makes you proud. Let’s choose that thing together.”